CALENdeRsign jokes 

with a bit of satire about heavens and hell, stars and Gods. 
But only for those who have humor.


How the Christchild came on the top of Christmas tree.

Even Santa Has Bad Days...
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. 
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was little Christchild with a great big Christmas tree. The Christchild said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" 
Thus began the tradition of the Christchild on top of the Christmas tree.


The following satire must be explained for non Austrians:
In the Austrian city St. Pölten there is a Catholic bishop who writes every Sunday an article in Austrian bestselled newspaper Kronenzeitung. His pseudonym there is CHRISTIANUS and the title of his column "50 lines with God".
In one of this article he demanded that people must take the pictorial words, synonyms and symbols of the church more serious and sincere. Then he declared that "The church is the body of Christ and out of this body comes the Holy Spirit".

Hm ..., please see what was the result of the consequent representation of the pictorial word CHRISTIANUS.


The Holy Spirit escapes the most impo(r)tant body of the church: CHRISTI(.)ANUS
He is reading in "Kronenzeitung" his article with his pseudonym: "The Church is the body of Christ".
The pidgeon is thinking: "Is that CHRISTIANUS or ANUS CHRISTI"


God appears in a dream to three people: Boris Jelzin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates.
To each of them God says : "You are one of the three most powerful men on Earth. I want you to know, that it is very bad, what mankind has done to mother Earth. Therefore before the year 2000 begins, I will cleanse the Earth with a huge flood."
Next morning Boris in the State Duma says: "I've got two lots of bad news: 1st : God exists 2nd: He will destroy us all before the year 2000 with a huge flood."
Bill Clinton at the White House says: I've got good news and bad news: The good news is : God exists , The bad news: He will send a flood to destroy us all before the year before 2000.
Bill Gates says to his managers: I've got two lots of good news for you: 1st: I am one of the three most powerful men on this planet; and 2nd: the millennium bug will be no problem!



Somebody, always thinking to come to hell, is dying. At the other site he is welcomed by the Prince of dankness "Thewill"
himself. He invites him to look around and settle down at a place that is pleasant. The (wo)man is looking around everywhere...- everybody is happy there, playing, drinking, dining, having fun with sex etc. Only in one room some devils are torturing the people with whips and fire those poor people, who are chained on wooden crosses or piles.
Frightened the deceased is coming back to Thewill and says: "I would like to settle down anywhere, but please not in that one room."
"Oh" says Thewill, "that is the Sado-Maso-room for Christians and Moslems, because they like it in that way."


Question: How do hedgehogs love each other?
Answer: Very carefully!



Viagra Date
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've
never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box
marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in
some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."


The Top 10? calendarist pickup lines:

10 I want to take you to Bede.
9 I want to leap year your bones.
8 You wobble my world.
7 Let's make an epochal event.
6 I can tell you the REAL meaning of Age of Aquarius.
5 I think I could cycle with you forever.
4 I could stare into your equinox all night.
3 Do you want to come up and see my Dionysian manuscripts?
2 Your eyes look beautiful in the lunar notation.
1 Can I buy you another gin and metonic?
0 Can I show you my Exiguus?
-1 Be my date.
...
...
...
-7 OooooOH!  GOD! JESUS! OH! YEEAAAAAHH!
-8 Oh Darling! Pls warp and wobble me one more time, ok?
-9 Oh! I love your Exiguus
-10 Exitus



Fish at Doc Aquarius
"Doc, I fell completely netted"


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