CALENdeRsign's contribution to start of carnival
on the 40th anniversary of the carnival society of Wartberg
Report of the office for calendar affairs of the Ha&Ha State Council.
There was much to do in the office. It happened like this:
There is a little valley called Banal-Creek (Scheibsgraben) that is situated in - as the name already says - the patient village of Waiting Mountain (Wartberg), in the Styrian Muerztal (valley of the river Muerz). The people of this creek had been waiting restlessly since the Decennial asked for a second Tuesday in the week.
They were surprised in higher places that the "Banals," the people of this creek, already wanted something. A short time before this request, they had been granted the letter "B" in their name, after some malicious remarks occurred.
Also one wanted to calm down the neighboring community, Middle-Village (Mitterdorf) , which already called itself the navel of the world.
The church also agreed with adding the letter "B" in the creek's name, because that foreclosed any speculation that from the close location of the little valley, located near Mt. Dog Heading (Hundskopf), there would be any relationship with CHRISTI ANUS, which is the nom de plume of a high church dignitary (Bishop of St. Poelten). That was understandable and not inequitable. But a second Tuesday!?
It had begun under Emperor Josef. This enlightened monarch regarded it as insanity. But the tough Banals (already given the letter "B") petitioned again and again and again, persistent as only Banals can be.
Now the request began to attract attention in wider circles, disapproving attention. People gradually began to think more deeply about the affair, and suddenly the senselessness of the Banals' desire appeared in its whole cruel consequence. There were two possibilities - more frightening than the other one. First, the fear that the Banal-Creek slowly would step into another time calculation - and that it would add to the Julian calendar and the Gregorian calendar another: the Banalian calendar.
The new Banals' Millennium soon would become a world sensation and an unbelievable crowd of travellers -- Englishmen, Americans, and other useless people -- would be drawn into the quiet alpine ditch. This thought alone was more than unwanted to the hostile municipalities.
Then worse, far worse doubts emerged.
This unnatural desire of the Banal-Creek inhabitants would necessarily have evil consequences of a cosmic nature, said the moralists of mystic bent. Clearly, the unfortunate ditch would rise gradually - imperceptibly at first - from the earth. Gradually it would then begin circle the globe, a terrible, low-flying moon, causing daily, awful devastations on its course.
Scholars painted a much more terrible picture: Something like a tremendous, dark carrot would drip a fiery liquid from its roots at lower end as it scraped along over the earth. The lawyers stated that the Banal-Creek would own all of the area from underneath the ditch down to the focal point of the earth. (There, one would see demons using the carrot to scrape the souls of the condemned ones in hell).
Other biological scientists correctly stated that no carrot would develop, but that the hard edge of rocks of the ditch would cut off sausage disk after sausage disk from the environment that is not affected by the time increasing swindle.
The whole latitude at which Banal-Creek is located felt its security was threatened. Deputation after deputation from all countries came to discuss the situation with leaders at the highest levels (the above State Council).
There were Irokese beside Hamburgers, Hungarian bow-legged Magnates in mourning gala uniform, Russians, Mongols, Chinese, Frenchmen, conventional Swabians and Bavarians; behind them, grumbling Jews and the last-day expecting Muslims. Briefly, everyone that was at the same latitude as the Banal-Creek came to Vienna and moaned for protection of home and hearth.
Briefly, it was terrible. Prayer processions were held in the whole empire, and in some places there were people scourging themselves and Adamites appeared. Everywhere the secret lodges of all occult groups to hold a conference at Mt. Change (Wechsel), the mountain at the Styrian border, with an excursion to the Lucifer's Rock (Teufelstein).
The grand master of the Templars in Antioch, the Mahatma of Großwardein (Large was Yours), the Superieur Inconnu of the Martinists, a gold-dressed Marine from Triest, the Inspecteur endroits of the bicarres of the Know How, the Hailmaster of Tyrol, the gentlemen of the Holy Grail and of Rhodes, the Crownbearer of Trapezunt and Nikaea had them called up.
The only lady, a 13-year old duchess of Lians Cours and of Mont Ferrat, imperial princess of Byzantine and niece of Frau Holle, led the presidency. The Count von Monte Antichristo was the master of ceremonies.
Strange groups made the pilgrimage at that time in the thousand-year old forests of Styria (Steiermark).
What the Banals themselves discovered was not comforting. Detaching from the earth and becoming a second moon, "Luna Secunda, sive Banaliensis," would not happen to the Banal-Creek. Such a cosmic consequence was not possible for the magic strength of the small, dazed community. Banal-Creek would go ahead with the "space-time swindle," becoming ever smaller and smaller until all of the houses became as small as toys, finally atomizing magically at a vanishing point.
Hearing that, emigration en masse was the only solution for the conventional, material Banal-Creekers. The formerly important valley sank down gradually to the small ditch of today - and the remainder of the Banals asked with tears again for a second Tuesday.
Finally, after the Holy Seat (Pope) was brought to silence by tremendous concessions (from which Austria today still suffers) to the Bishop von St. Poelten, who was authorized to write an article of 50 lines every Sunday in the Crown Newspaper to cause Christianus-ation in the whole empire, the good-natured national father agreed and sadly granted a second Tuesday.
A cry of fright went up from the whole world.
In dumb resignation, one expected the worst.
But nothing happened. - It came out that the Banals had expressed themselves clumsily and had wanted only a second day for milk-delivery during the week, which was identical to Tuesday in their linguistic usage. They had requested this because their milk became sour by Sunday. Now they were happy and were glad that they yielded a second "B," which was suggested as a diversion, but which they had always manfully rejected.
The above-mentioned feared effects or the assumption that they wanted to have a second carnival Tuesday were now seen as groundless.
This act of grace and the innovations resulting from it should be announced in the whole empire by drums!
Thus the Ha&Ha drum regiment in which Onehoof (Eynhuf) served was mobilized and drummed day and night.
Freely translated by Sepp Rothwangl with the help of Joan Griffith, after an article by Fritz von Herzmanovsky-Orlando
CEPP 245948. 11 days before vor 11-11-1